I made a mistake at a lifestyle meet up a while back. I always thought of myself as a great communicator, but this time I dropped the ball. While my wife and I were enjoying some drinks together at the table, we recognized the arrival of a familiar couple that we had met at a previous party. While we smiled and nodded to them, they completely ignored us and walked right past to say hello to some other friends they saw. We were taken back a bit, but we tried to pay it no mind. At the party we met them at they were, lets say, a little too tipsy. We did find it adorably funny. We wondered if they remembered that.
They eventually made their way over to us and said hi. The next words out of my mouth were, “You were totally fucked up at that party.” Mind you, I was trying to make a joke out of it, hoping we could laugh together, but instead of my words being a playful ploy to get her to laugh, judging by her response they obviously stung. Unfortunately, instead of trying to break the ice, I put them on the defense and the conversation left a bad taste in their mouth.
I tell this story to point out how important communication is in the lifestyle. Not only is it hard to communicate with your partner, now you have two other people that are involved that you need to communicate effectively with. Not everyone gets your sense of humor. Nor do you know what happened just yesterday with that couple that snubbed you at the party. Maybe they recently had a death in the family? It’s possible they got in a heated argument in the car on the way over. Maybe you’re feeling anxious because the noise is loud and place is crowded?
We have to remember that while we might be naughty, kinky swingers…we are still human beings. We’re all here to have fun, but there is a difference between the fantasy of the lifestyle scene and the reality.
Here are a few tips on communication that you can take away both for your relationship and also the couple you’re trying to get to know:
1. Be clear
You have to be direct in these types of situations. Beating around the bush with someone that you’re not the least bit interested in isn’t going to end well. Be clear about your interests, say what you want and let the chips fall. This includes being offended. If someone says something to you that offends you, it’s better to be direct and clear that it hurt your feelings, than to just walk away with something that could have just been a misunderstanding. There is nothing wrong with pulling that person aside to share how you feel.
2. Be respectful
Rejection is one of the things you have to deal with, not only in the lifestyle, but in life. Take it like a champ. Don’t get offended if someone says they aren’t interested. We can all still be friends and have a great time! In the same regard, let someone you know that you’re not interested in a kind and respectful way. They mustered up the courage to approach you and strike up a vulnerable conversation, the least you could do is afford them the dignity to say, “hey we think you guys are cool, but we just don’t think we’re a match.” It’s not always what you say, but HOW you say it.
3. Forgive quickly
There is too much fun to be had to let someones drama ruin your night, or week for that matter! Ok, someone opened their mouth in the wrong way, said the wrong things…don’t sweat it. It’s hard to do, but let it roll off your shoulder. Take a deep breath, engage with your partner, check in then head back in the game. Don’t hold grudges or chips. You’re only weighing yourself down.
4. Communicate in the bed
We aren’t mind readers. If doggie style is hurting your knees, or if you’re getting winded and need to switch to top you have to let it be known! Want your pussy eaten? Great! Tell your play partner. Does it feel great? Does she want you to slow down? The same amount of communication you give your partner in relationships, you need to vocalize that in bed in order to have a better experience.
We by no means claim to be communication experts or therapists. In fact, we wanted to be fully transparent with our own fuck ups in this post to encourage you that this is a normal thing that everyone experiences in the lifestyle. To have a better lifestyle experience, we have to demand better of ourselves and each other in the way that we treat people. There is always room for improvement.
What are some ways you’ve fucked up in your communication with another couple? Were you clear or did you beat around the bush? How did you handle getting shot down by another couple that wasn’t interested? We’d love to hear your comments!