We’ve only been at this almost a year and a half, but we’re fast learners. We’ve been to many of the swingers groups, swinger parties or swinger events in the Chicagoland area at least twice or more. That’s not including the private house parties, the individual couples dates we’ve been on and navigating through the horribly designed swinger websites that haven’t been touched since the 90’s. It seems that the average “swinger year” is more the equivalent to double that of a normal vanilla year in terms of experience.  All this to say, that we’ve been to enough events to say that there have been a few common attributes that we’ve both noticed, and been guilty of ourselves at times, that have led to us not getting laid at a swingers event. Here are a few of our recommendations on how not to get laid at a swinger event: (sarcasm enter here)

1. Just hang with your same circle of friends you always do
Yep, now you’re stuck in the friends zone and not allowed to meet new people. Your current set of friends will give you looks and pull you away from that new couple you’d like to get to know. After all, they have dibs right? If you just want to play it safe, don’t branch out, stay comfortable and stick with your buddies. After all, you don’t have to risk being rejected by another couple you don’t really know yet. Before you know it, the event is closing and you’ll be grabbing your jackets to hit the door cause you didn’t take Van Halen’s advice and just “jump.”

2. When you’re having a conversation with a couple, just walk away mid-conversation.
Manners are a must if you’d like to get laid guys. A couple you’re interested in deserves your full attention. This one kind of goes with #1. We’ve seen it often go together. That couple that approached you to say hi, they are into you and you’ve having a great conversation. You guys are hitting it off and next thing you know they see someone else they know and just end up walking away mid sentence. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve been in a conversation with a couple or individual at an event or party where they literally just walked away mid sentence. Huge turn off.

3. Talk to a couple you’re interested in till 3am. Never close the deal.
Every couple is different but, for us, we don’t need long walks on the beach to be into you. Because of our family situation, we don’t have till 3am to “get to know you.” A few drinks, an hour of conversation and direct answers to a few pertinent questions will get you in our pants. Is there attraction? Can you string sentences together for conversation? Are you a decent flirt? Do your requirements match ours? Cool, let’s do this shit. We use language like “hey we find you guys attractive and think there would be a connection, would you like to get a room or go upstairs?”

4. Keep saying you need a few more drinks.
If you need to be completely wasted to fuck someone other than your partner, you probably shouldn’t be here. Not only is it unattractive to us, it fucks with consent and we don’t want to be the ones you made poor choices with that you regret later. Now that I think about it, this might or might not be a code word for “no thank you.” We think “no thank you” is a better way to put your best foot forward rather than “come back when I’m sloshed.”

5. When you’re talking to a couple about all the times you’ve had with OTHER couples, how long you’ve been in the lifestyle and how much of a swinger stud you are and completely neglect the couple sitting across from you.
Yes, this is the way to get pussy guys. (sarcasm) Talk to my beautiful, hot, sexy wife about all the OTHER girls you’ve been with. Oh, even better is to after you get done talking to us, we find you hitting up another female 5 minutes later getting the digits. Not only are you embarrassing yourself, you’re secretly getting blacklisted from my wife’s pussy. We rarely find females pulling this bullshit. Mostly knucklehead dudes that have no respect.

6. Talk about your favorite sports team, pet store or religious affiliation.
General get to know you talk is fine, but once the conversation takes a turn to cartoons and the latest version of internet browser you’re using, the magic has faded. When someone does this, it’s a clear sign to us that you’re not interested. If you want to get laid, compliment us, flirt or make us laugh, but please, for the love of all things wholesome, don’t start extended non-sexy talk. Maybe over dinner, but not at the swinger event please.

7. Don’t put any effort into your appearance.
Yep, you just rolled off the farm with hoodies, sweats and a snap back. Chicks love that! (to each their own I guess.) What’s most important is that it appears you put effort into your appearance. Comb your hair for once, maybe even get a manicure or do your lips up this once? Pull out those sexy heels or guys, put the ripped jeans you wear around the house away. Trust us, if you put forth effort, not only will you look sexy, you’ll feel sexier and increase your odds of getting laid.

We hope you had a chuckle as this post and sense our dose of sarcasm. This isn’t meant to be a disgruntled diatribe to the swing community, but more of a humorous piece of fun that everyone can laugh at because we know it’s true. We, ourselves, have been guilty of a few of these at any given time so we know how difficult it can be to meet people at events and have a successful experience.

What are some things you’ve noticed at swing clubs and events that prohibit a successful experience of getting laid?