Effective communication is necessary in order to have a thriving, strong relationship. Part of that communication piece is being able to express your needs, boundaries and desires openly with your partner. I can’t tell you how many couples we come across where one person is suppressing their sexual needs and desires or the other person is closed off to talking openly about sexuality. In our own relationship, in the beginning, it was hard to approach any topic of sexuality with each other due to the “religious baggage” we had. In our prior view, pleasure in any form was mostly evil, or worldly at best and needed to be restrained, restricted and not up for discussion. It wasn’t until we both agreed that we wanted more out of our relationship sexually that we decided to let those walls of shame and embarrassment fall and be real with one another. This opened up a world of eroticism, more intimacy and some of the hottest sex we’ve had and still have. We hope to share a few tips of how to express your sexual needs to your partner in hopes that if you are struggling in this area with your lover that you could overcome those obstacles and explore the sex you crave.
Sexual Quiz App
An easy way to begin the conversation is with a sexual quiz app. Lynn and I have used an app called Paired quite frequently as a fun way for us to keep our lines of communication open. It’s not “naughty” specific, but there are other apps and quizzes out there now on your phone to download and start sending Q&A with your partner. Here are a few we’ve researched for you:
https://bdsmtest.org
https://spicer.app/
Kama
Some of these apps have free features, while other apps offer a paid premium feature that will unlock more options for it’s use. You can always just use the premium feature for a while and unsubscribe after you use it for a bit.
Timing
The time to discuss wanting to add a third to your bedroom isn’t while your wife is trying to get dinner ready for you and your 3 highly energetic kids and teenager! Make sure you find the right time where there aren’t any major distractions, you both have enough sleep or energy to be present and there is ample amount of actual time to discuss. For example, dropping the bombshell on your husband about your bisexual girl date fantasies right before he leaves for work probably isn’t enough time to solicit an actual response or have a good discussion about it. Try instead later at night after the kids go to bed, pour a glass of wine or open a beverage and shut the tv off. Or another suggestion might be on a long car ride for a trip you have planned. If you can’t find the time to be able to have a decent discussion about your sexual needs, wants and desires, then there are other issues you might need to work out first before you delve into this subject.
Yes, No, Maybe
Remember in Middle School when you used to write love notes to your crush? I always signed it with “Do you like me, circle yes or no.” Looking back, I probably should have given an option for “maybe.” Asking sexual questions with a “yes, no or maybe” provides a safe, clear and direct opportunity to give consent for your partner. You wanting to indulge in your adult bookstore sex fantasy might not be a complete no, it might actually be a “maybe.” Maybe your partner just needs a few more pieces of information to make a reasonable decision on it. Always remember, you want an enthusiastic yes. “Fine” is not an enthusiastic yes.
Shop for toys, accessories or lingerie together
My wife didn’t own a vibrator until we got into the lifestyle. She had gone 6 years in our relationship without one, feeling that it would take away from our own intimacy. One of the first things we did as a couple when we first got into the lifestyle was to visit adult toy stores together. Lovers Lane was one of the first shops we went to. I have to admit, it was a super turn on to visit with my wife. Instead of being the creepy solo male lounging around the store, I was proud to be there with her and intrigued to see what types of things she gravitated to. We ended up leaving with a few fun pieces that became bedroom staples for us. Today, we now have a full on duffel bag of toys we have to carry with us when we end parties and clubs. (Anyone relate?)
A person can say no to sex at any time. Consent is a huge factor in working things out between you and your partner. First off, you have to give YOURSELF consent to allow yourself to let your freak flag fly, so to speak. To be proud of the fact that you’re a sexual human being and sexual expressing is an actual human need, right up there along with breathing air and food. Secondly, you have to give (or get) your partners enthusiastic consent. This is the crux of infidelity. As we in the lifestyle like to say, “It’s not cheating if my husband is ok with it/watching.” This is the beauty of ethical non-monogamy. If you can put the hard work of communication in your relationship to express your sexual needs and desires, it will all be 100% worth it. I promise.
How about your situation? Have you struggled in this area? What types of tips or advice would you give to others looking to break the ice or open these lines of communication with their partner? I’d love to hear your comments below!
