Welcome to a 3 part series on: insecurities, shame and judgement.
For our final post in this series, we will discuss the subject of judgement. Judgement is simply an opinion. And no one is short of opinions, in or out of the lifestyle. Despite our best efforts, everyone judges.
When we first got into the swing lifestyle, we were told we would love how accepting and non-judgemental people were. While most of the people we’ve met so far have been respectful and accepting, it didn’t take us long to find out that people judge within the swing community as well.
Swingers are not exempt from having a judgemental attitude because swingers are human beings like the rest of us. The pie in the sky, swinger utopia lifestyle simply doesn’t exist…anywhere.
So please take these “swinger sayings” with a grain of salt. The sooner we admit to ourselves that everyone judges, the sooner we will be able to get over it and start actually enjoying ourselves. Here are a few observations we’ve had when it comes to judging:
1. Physical appearance.
Physical appearance is huge in the swing community. On the positive side, being naked around others gives you great motivation to want to look your best. People have all types of opinions and preferences about dick sizes, big tits, little tits, short or tall, fat or skinny. You can’t knock someone about their preferences, but you should also be respectful when it comes to not wanting to play with someone. A simple “I don’t think we’re a match, but I’d still like to be friends.” is probably a good place to start. On the flip side, stuck up people who are too cool to speak to anyone are what brings this lifestyle down. Have some perspective and give people a chance. Sometimes a person’s personality might make up for what they might not have on your preferences list. Also, its good to remember people make judgements based on how they really feel about themselves. If you feel good about YOU, you won’t feel the need to criticize others about their appearance.
2. Rules or play preferences.
We’ve been in situations where people have strong opinions about rules or play preferences. Often times people who don’t play separate are seen as having trust issues or amateurs. While sometimes that might be true, this isn’t always the case. Also, people who allow their partner to play separately might be seen in a certain negative light from couples that don’t do that. We have to remember to respect everyone’s rules and preferences. Even when we don’t understand why or the circumstances surrounding their choices, we have to respect that it’s their relationship and they have to do what works best for them. When you feel tempted to judge someone else’s rules or play preferences, try and re-frame it and understand where they are coming from.
We’d love to hear our followers thoughts on this one. Do you get the sense that there are judgements or stereotypes we make about people of different ethnicities in the lifestyle? We’ve been shocked to hear comments from people in the lifestyle about how the crowd was a bit more “darker” than they preferred at a certain party. This type of ignorance is totally unacceptable in this day and age. If you have a problem with a certain race, black, white, Hispanic or Asian, then you should probably at the very least keep your mouth shut. We value the beauty of diversity and we wish more clubs and groups would make the effort to pro-actively pursue a good mix of all colors at their events versus only catering to one type of person.
4. Being Your Own Worst Self-Critic
Judging others is one thing, but sometimes the most painful and harshest criticism comes from within. When you look in the mirror what do you see? Are you judging yourself too harshly because of your figure? Do you look at yourself and hate the fact that you see a few grey hairs making a guest appearance? Sometimes these voices in your head can be debilitating, sucking the life out of sex or any positive lifestyle experience. Keep in mind that no one is perfect and even the sexiest people on their best days can feel like they aren’t attractive. Confidence is the sexiest thing. Try and build your confidence by trying new things, overcome your fears and let your strengths shine in front of others.
No matter how hard we try to avoid it, there is no such thing as a completely “judgement free zone.”
We all judge and we all have opinions about everything from hair color to play preferences. Mutual respect, having fun and understanding goes a long way in the lifestyle. How do you deal with judgement? Do you have any tips you could share that could help silence those voices?