Is There Racism In The Lifestyle?

Initial disclosure: I write this from the perspective of a white, married male. My perspective is what it is. We write about things we’ve noticed and seen from a married, white couple’s perspective concerning what we noticed regarding racism in the lifestyle. We’ve asked a few of our Latino friends in the lifestyle to comment or even write this article themselves, but no luck. Even still, we have gotten confirmation that a lot of what we’ve seen has been pretty accurate in terms of their experience and we welcome anyone’s comments below.

We feel like this is an appropriate time to have a discussion about racism in the swingers scene. Considering there is, and has been, a lot of problems with racial tension in our country today, we believe the beginning of healing starts with having the discussion.

We want our discussion to be respectful, honest and matter of fact. This is especially interesting because I recently decided to do some research into the swingers movement in America and found that according to a huge study done by Gilbert D. Bartell in 1971, they surveyed and studied swinger couples and swinger parties, they found that blacks [as well as homosexuals] were not welcome at early 70’s swinger parties.

Honestly, it seems like not much has changed in 2020. Our swingers experience is limited to the Chicagoland area, so perhaps our perspective might not reflect what is happening in other cities. However, most of the parties we’ve been to have been majority white. As a couple that enjoys swinging with black and Latino couples, here are a few other reasons why we think there is a problem with racial bias in the swinger scene:

• Most of the flyers and promotions we see on the web promote pictures of white, blonde, skinny women. Rarely – if ever – do you see people of color in these promotions.

• We have personally spoken to couples who made racial comments about certain parties or clubs being “too dark” for their liking. Needless to say, we didn’t continue being friends with those people. When we get the feeling a couple is racist we immediately exit the conversation and move on. If they persist, we usually will say something. Everyone has different ideas of what they are attracted to, but making racial comments is unnecessary.

• Based on the pricing structure of most parties, we can’t imagine some people actually being able to afford it. When you have to pay several hundred dollars to cover hotel costs, ticket entrance and drinks – it makes it seem like the swingers lifestyle is only for the wealthy white people with a huge amount of expendable income. There are two ways to look at this. Either you think there is no financial gap between people of color and others, or you admit there is an economic disparity. This isn’t to say that there aren’t wealthy black people, but just that it seems that the struggle is real. We have to wonder why events seem to be priced so high. Is it to keep people out or just to keep the right people in?

• Doing an advanced search in our area on Kasidie for couples with “beautifully black” or “yummy chocolate” skin complexion within a 50 mile radius of Chicago, with the filter: online at least “doesn’t matter,” we only yielded 5 profiles. This is horrible. You mean to tell me that there are only 5 black couples with pictures, online ever within 50 miles of Chicago? Granted, not everyone completely fills out their profile but what does this say about the majority of couples on swinger websites? Not sure if we would find different results on other websites, but Kasidie is considered a pretty large website.

We actually went to 100 miles and found the same results.

• Lastly, we feel like there might be some striking cultural differences that we don’t really know about that are factors within a black or Latino couple’s decision to try swinging. Some of our Latino friends we’ve met have mentioned struggles with jealous husbands, or female shame or guilt for being too sexual. Women seem to have different expectations in the Latino culture and being sexually forward isn’t seen as favorable for women, but ok for men.

What are your thoughts? Have you noticed a good mix of color at parties and clubs or are most of the parties you’ve been to largely snow bunnies? Do you think that there is an issue with race in the lifestyle? Please share your comments below.

13 thoughts on “Is There Racism In The Lifestyle?

  1. I like everything I’ve read here, it was written so eloquently and with so much thought that it hits the nail on the head.
    Additionally to the clear racial disparities, I hear a lot from interracial friends who have experienced a different type of racism. Where they feel like they’re treated more like an experience, a check off the ol’ F*ckIt List.
    I can understand that there is a particular “fetish” for some and that some people (Black men particularly it seems) do enjoy this aspect of the lifestyle. They don’t mind the trade off so much perhaps because they’re single and perhaps they enjoy the thrill of being wanted for their bodies.
    I don’t have the right to judge this way of life as being right or wrong but I can say what I know, everyone deserves to be treated like human beings.
    In a perfect world, none of this would happen, this conversation wouldn’t exist… but alas, we don’t live in a perfect world. And without question, racism does indeed play a part in the world we live and play in, sadly.

    1. We are an interracial couple and totally agree. I often feel that we are approached by some simply for the color of my husband’s skin. But we are also avoided by others for that same reason. We run across profiles all the time that say “I only play within my race”. I wish everyone could see each other as people and not color. Living in Florida we do see a huge variety of ethnicities at clubs and parties, but they don’t always blend well unfortunately.

      I also love the original article, very well written. It is so true that this is a topic that needs to be discussed and addressed.

  2. I have been to lifestyle parties all across the Country and have found that outside of Chicago there is a much more diverse group of couples attending parties. My experience is not so much with hotel takeovers but rather private club or house parties. I am just wondering if the Midwest is a bit more segregated with respect to swinger parties than the those i have been to in NYC, ATL and LA.
    No matter what, everyone that wants to attend a party should be able to do so and be comfortable and welcomed! Lets hope that as a community, we can get that message out loud and clear!

    1. Thank you for bringing this subject into the light. Your correct, this is a great time to open up this conversation in every aspect of our lives.

      Much like Greg, my wife and I have been to clubs and parties in many areas of the country. Midwest clubs and parties have been much more racially divided than the population information shows it should be. We found many clubs in Texas even worse in regards to the racial disparity. (The best we have seen is in the Pacific Northwest; it seemed to be a non-issue in both Washington State and the Seattle area)

      Unfortunately, we have experienced outright racism in the lifestyle too many times. On the lesser side of that scale, there have been people that made off handed comments regarding people of other ethnicities even attending a party. On the other extreme, there have been people that have openly stated how disgusted they were by people that even play with “blacks”. We have had “friends” in the lifestyle that we played with at a hotel take over and after seeing certifications on our profile of a black couple and a black single, they stopped talking to us! We had no idea why they stopped talking to us! It was not until we saw them later at another event that they admitted that they do not play with anyone who plays with “blacks”. 🤯 I was in shock!… But my wife nearly lost her mind on them! (This was one of those times when it was good that we were both there to keep each other from making a “drama” moment! 😂)

      When we were still young in the lifestyle we would just apologize and excuse ourselves from the situation/people in question. Now that we are older and much more experienced (and maybe a little more brash), we don’t hold back… we don’t deal well with racism or hatred of any kind. At this point in our life, we openly tell everyone that we are interacting with that we will not tolerate bigotry of any kind.
      For us, it is ok if people have preferences about who they play with based on hundreds of reasons, including physical reasons, but if someone is going to openly judge an entire group of people based on ethnicity… they are going to feel the full wrath of this lifestyle couple.

      So now here is a question for you guys or anyone else that would like to answer. With the political climate polarized the way it is today, do you find yourselves avoiding the political topics or do you try to get a feel for the person/people and make the decision from there?
      For us, we don’t bring it up, but we are blown away at how many people blatantly throw out one sided statements regarding their love of Trump and/or the GOP platform. I only bring this up because we have only experienced racism in the lifestyle from those individuals that openly identify as republicans.*

      *Please note that I am not saying that all Republicans are racist… but our experience has shown us that all racists that we have interacted with in the lifestyle were definitely openly republican.

      1. Thanks for your thoughts guys! We try and stay away from political discussions with new couples we meet – or any couples for that matter! We consider subjects like kids, personal family life, religion, sports, politics etc…unsexy talk and a clear sign you don’t want to fuck us and just wanna hang out. We aren’t swingers because we just wanna hang out with you. We wanna have some great sex! Talking about politics is a huge turn off.

  3. This is really a great article and made me take a step back and reflect on an article we posted a few years ago about the lifestyle being so inclusive. We live in South Florida and usually find people in our club open to anyone, regardless of race or color. Sure, there are some who are not open, but not the majority are. Perhaps I need to take a closer look but I never felt that in the club. I always thought that people in the lifestyle were so much more open than most people. I am a white woman and so clearly I am not seeing things as they are.
    For us, we have no problem playing with any couple, regardless of color or race, if we click as a foursome. We also have small private parties and they are never “all white”.
    Makes me sad to read how awful people can be. So hard to understand in 2020 how this is still an issue…

  4. We are a black couple from Colorado, and we are planning a trip to chicago. You are correct about the search. What you said about the lifestyle in general is true. You can imagine how hard it is in Colorado with the state its self being less than 2% black. It is frustrating. It even more frustrating that the black couples don’t seem to engage with other black at times. But everyone is not compatible. Just lessens our options. Side note. Asians rarely engage with people of color unless they want a single male that is a BBC.
    Again, great read.
    Thank you.

    1. Interesting point about Asians. We don’t think in terms of how other races are affected, but unfortunately we’ve seen lots of segregation in the lifestyle. I wonder where the Asian swinger parties are? LOL

  5. We came across your site, and glad you created a platform for people in lifestyle to come together. We are a young Indian couple in lifestyle for 10years. We lived in a few states, and many of our friends in lifestyle found it odd initially when they see a brown couple in the swinger scene since we are considered conservatives in general. We don’t want to use the word racism, but we find either people ignore us (sometimes) or men in the couple try to intimidate us in front of everyone for a show( which is always a flop) when we go to house parties especially. But our experience from the UK or Ireland where people welcomed us.
    To all the people who come across our question. How do you feel when you see an Indian couple at a swinger party or club (We understand that many don’t come across brown couple). What can we do to make you think that you can approach us? Sorry for the next question in advance. Why most non-POC women don’t even take a chance with a brown guy while non-POC men are interested in brown women ?. We like to hear your thoughts.

    1. Thanks for visiting our site! Indian folks seem to always get stereotyped in the lifestyle. Same with other cultures. But generally we’ve seen some attractive Indian folks. However, to answer your question I think it’s a matter of physical attraction and nothing too personal. Most women, no matter what color, are sexy in their own ways. Guys have to work harder. lol

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