Welcome to a 3 part series on: insecurities, shame and judgement.
With all the things we love about the LS, the one thing we don’t like is the amount of fantasy bullshit that seems to get pushed out on social media. Adult lifestyle busine$$es want to portray the swinger lifestyle as a utopia of pleasure, where everyone is accepted and you’re completely free. This might be a true place for some, but for many of us it looks more like a journey of ups and downs, trying to navigate the different feelings, judgements and stigma some of us feel when we first step outside of our traditional ideas of marriage and relationships and jump into the pools of consensual non-monogamy. In this 3 part series we will explore, what we see as, the big 3. No matter how bullet proof you are, we all have them. Let’s get real and discuss them out in the open and figure these things out.
Our first topic is insecurities.
Jumping into the lifestyle kinda feels like dating all over again. Many of us who have been married for some amount of time have reached a level of comfort with our partner. We couldn’t have imagined getting dolled up or trying to look the part to impress anyone else. But being in the lifestyle means attending parties or clubs where you have new things to consider such as how you look as a couple, do you measure up or how you face the rejection from another couple. This brings up loads of insecurities that we thought died, but might still be living under the surface. Here are a few thoughts about feeling insecure in your relationships:
1. Insecurities come as a result of a lack of needs being met.
Everyone has at least 6 basic human needs. Sometimes insecurities surface because you aren’t truly connecting with your partner. Is your relationship meeting these needs or are you lacking in some area? Before you invite others into your playtime, you need to make sure that you are connecting with your spouse/partner or else you’re asking for disaster. When we feel each others needs are being met, it’s easier to open our hearts and minds to allow others in to our playtime.
2. Create the spark again.
Start doing things you did when you first got together. Sometimes, after a while, we get comfortable in our relationships and we lack the effort anymore. Start writing love notes again. Compliment them like you did when you first started your relationship. These small acts can help you squash insecurities and help your partner feel wanted.
Feeling wanted is a basic human need that your partner might wanting to feel. This is especially important in an open relationship where your desire is split with other partners. They need to know they are the apple of your eye.
3. Communicate and don’t try and control.
Trying to lash out and control your partner is one of the ways many couples handle their insecurities. Instead of owning up to thoughts of the other person leaving them or the possibilities of hurting someone, insecure people will try and control the situation making matters worse. Symptoms of this are running through your phone messages, constant check-ins and the need to puff themselves up all the time. Instead, we need to communicate with the people we love about our hurts, insecurities or feelings of lack that we might be experiencing. Sit down with them and have a heart to heart conversation about the things that bother you, without blaming the other person and owning up to your own feelings.
4. Shift your focus to what you have versus what you don’t have.
When it comes to appearance, we all have things we wish were different. If you have small tits, maybe you should focus on your juicy booty? Maybe you don’t have six pack abs like those other guys, but your sense of humor is on point to make someone laugh? Could it be that some people find your serious demeanor attractive? Spend more time acknowledging what is good about you than what someone else has. It’s a hard habit to break, but when you do, you’ll realize that you’re on the same level as everyone else.
5. Do the things that make you feel most confident.
If you feel sexy wearing heels, then make sure when you go out that you wear them. Some people feel better about themselves after a great workout or a massage. If you’re the type of person that needs movement to feel good, then make sure you’re making time for those things that make you feel more confident about yourself. Go shopping for a new dress or t-shirt that you feel confident in. Schedule a haircut or styling to make you feel better. It’s ok to splurge on something that is going to make you feel sexy, bold and confident! You’ll love it and your partner will love you for it.
Of course this isn’t an exhaustive list of ways to deal with insecurities, but we hope this little nugget helps when you feel this way. The truth is no one is immune to insecurities and we all have them. What are some tips or advice you have when you feel insecure? What are some of the things that trigger your insecurities in your relationship? We’d love to hear your comments below!